Friday, January 14, 2011

My Pride

The days begin so early here in our household. Madi usually wakes up anywhere from 6 to 8 for her first feeding of the day, so it is a good opportunity (depending on the amount of sleep I have had) to get in some "me"time. Those moments are few and far between these days, so when they happen I am so, so thankful!!

As I lie here awake this morning and scan through friends' blogs trying to take in the snapshot of their lives, I am overwhelmed with feelings of pride and insecurity. I am sure that most of you know by now that we have been having quite a few issues with Madi's stomach- Gerd and possibly Colic (Please Lord, NO!).  For my own sanity, the idea of pumping and feeding is simply that-a forethought. I feel trapped, confined and strapped to a machine every 3-4 hours for at least 15-20 minutes at a time. I know if doesn't sound like much but when you are pressed for time and the baby starts screaming, you have one of two choices: let baby scream while you pump or you stop. Madi has been very high needs and needs to be soothed alot, which means lots of holding for us. You can see my dilemma here, huh? You cannot pump while holding a baby. So unfortunately, my supply has started to diminish leaving me feeling like a failure as a mom.

It's one of those moments of pride whenever anyone ask you, "breastfed or formula?" and you answer "breastfed". I feel like I just need to high-five anyone around me...retarded I know. Seeking encouragement from a friend in a similar situation about a year ago  I'm starting to wrap my mind and my heart around formula. (I know most of you think I am being stupid here...its just formula right?!) In my eyes, it is the ultimate failure in my role of motherhood. 70 Years ago what would I have done for my baby? There were no pumps, no formulas, just mom and baby. I feel like if women all around the world have been doing this for hundreds of years, why am I failing so terribly at the one task God has given me to do for my child? As Joshua and I were talking about it, I realized that whereas I do not understand what it feels like as a husband to shoulder the responsibility of provider, these same feelings describe how I feel about breastfeeding my child. Is is the one thing that I can do for her- my way of providing for her that not only benefits the present but her future as well. No one else can do what I can do for Madi, and that is to meet her most basic need-food.  My pride is so inflated that it makes me sick. I am really disgusted with myself at how much time and energy I have poured over these negative feelings towards myself rather than just enjoying my little girl. I keep thinking about all the "what ifs"... ( I did not say this was a feel good blog). I know I'll look back in 2, 10, 30 years and it will not matter if she was breastfed or formula fed, but whether or not Madi is a passionately in  love with her Savior.  I guess that's really the only thing that matters in this life- loving God and loving people. Those were after all the 2 most important commands that Jesus ever spoke.

All of that is so much easier said that done. Like I said, I am struggling with my pride. I realize it is an issue and I am asking God to break me of it. Please pray for me and for our family as we make this transition in our household, because I have so much resentment towards myself that it sometimes can flesh out in other ways with my attitude, patience, and the list goes on. I just want to be the best wife/mother I can be. Somedays it is a no-brainer and others I feel so underqualified!

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Samantha! Grace and peace to you, my friend. . . You have given it your all, gone above and beyond the majority of moms in the US. Many don't even give their newborns colostrum. There is no shame in formula, just as there is no shame in having a c-section when it's unsafe to deliver naturally or adopting when you can't naturally conceive. Your ability to breastfeed (emotionally and physically) has absolutely no connection to your success as a mother. You are still Madi's mom and hold a sacred role in her life. There are hundreds of needs (particularly in the emotional realm) that OnLY YOU can meet. Your influence on the quality of your daughters life is far greater than anyone she will connect to beyond you. You're body MADE HER!! That in and of itself should cause you to swell with pride! :) There are lots of moms I absolutely idolize that weren't able to nurse for long. . . Adrian and Lindsey in particular. They're great women to talk with about this issue. Words can't express how proud of you I am!! You really have weathered some of the toughest days, laid down your life and your comfort for your daughter, and now you're making a decision that you believe will ultimately increase the quality your life and Madi's. . . There is NO ShAmE in this, my friend! May peace rule and reign in your heart! Love you!! xoxo

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  2. I feel like I could've written this post 4 years ago. . .
    I too tried breastfeeding (and did it for awhile), but it was NOT the wonderful, bonding, pleasant experience I'd hoped for. I never really had much milk, Cole was a lazy eater (wanting to eat every 20 minutes. . . no kidding), and I was running on little to NO sleep by the second week of his life. Because I felt like a failure and didn't want the mothers of 'society' to look down on me, I kept it up for awhile. I finally realized (through the wise words of my husband) that formula was OK. One of the whole points of nursing was to bond and that really wasn't happening for us during those moments. It was more of a stress-induced coma :)
    We tried formula and Cole did great. We were able to create a feeding schedule of every 3 hours (thank you God. . .sleep!), his belly was full, and we were both happy campers. He grew just fine and never had any indications (then or now) that he didn't have 'momma's milk'. He's super smart, has ALWAYS been healthy, and is a wonderful little boy that LOVES his mama!

    I'll pray for you as you make this transition. . . know that you are NOT a failure. Rebuke Satan every time he brings that thought your way - and call/message me if you ever need to chat! Madi is so lucky to have you!

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  3. Oh Sam, I know we have already talked some about this, but I want to complement on how brave you are to put this out! And I promise that your story will encourage other moms who are insecure about this subject (and their are many!).

    I was the same way. I'm with Adrian, except I could have written it a year ago. I really wanted to be able to say that I breast fed. I was so proud that I was even trying. I felt like I was on the "cool" side of mommyhood with all the very artistic and free spirited mothers. Also, how cool was I going to look effortlessly putting on my cover in public and feeding her?! I was really going to have that accomplished mom look. And I PROMISE - these were truly the thoughts that went through my head.

    Except it didn't happen that way. In fact, it was close to the opposite. But as I have shared already, it really hit me hard that I was ruining this experience because I was in pain, uncomfortable, stressed, crying. There were many nights me and adeline cried together. And then there was the breaking point of me just being so exhausted and realizing that the ONLY thing I was going to remember from these early years was how I spent so 4 hours a day hooked to a pump, 1 hour caring for my damaged breasts, 2 hours crying and trying to nurse my emotions, 2 hours cleaning pumping equipment...sigh. Just thinking about it all again EXHAUSTS me.

    I know we think that breast milk is the BEST we can give our baby, but really the best we can give them is our love, patience, attention, joy. These are what will make her a healthy, happy baby. Not the milk. And I promise, we beat ourselves down more than anyone else would. Maddie is SO lucky to have a mom who cares that much about her. We really do lay down our lives for our children.

    As far as formula goes, we just used the Similac Advanced. Adeline only had gas problems and the mylecon seemed to work great for that. However, I have heard great things about Enfamil Gentle-lease. I have a friend that had twins and swore by it. But, if she is having some stomach issues, there are Similac Sensitive and Enfamil sensitive. There are SO many options. I will say that we tried Soy with adeline, but our doctor (and other research) told us that Soy does not enable the body to absorb as much calcium as milk.

    Good luck! I would love to talk anytime. I was seriously a crazy mess after I had adeline. I sent my group of girlfriends about 4 texts a day asking crazy questions, having breakdowns. It's just all so normal and you need to know that!

    much love!

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  4. Oh Sam your post could've been mine nearly 18 months ago if I chose to be open about it. Instead, I chose to cry on the shoulder of a very dear friend. She gave me the courage to know that it's okay NOT to breastfeed if it meant staying sane on my part. I couldn't wrap my mind around formula for the longest time, but I knew that I needed that "break" per say from being attached or spending 20 minutes to get her to latch on. I got over it and did formula for Chloe for 3 weeks. At home I was fine. Then one day I took her to the Green Hills Mall. I had prepared a couple bottles that day. Inevitably, she needed to be fed while there. I sat down on a bench mixed up the formula and suddenly felt like a FREAK! I felt as if everyone was looking at me thinking I was horrible for feeding my baby girl formula. It was an awful feeling really. Mind you there was hardly anyone around, but I was also dealing with postpartum depression. At that point, I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding again. In my heart, I NEVER wanted to give it up. After all, if I could do it with my boys I WOULD do it with her. I even battled mastitis 3 times with Cole. NOT FUN. So I started taking Fenugrek (sp) to get my supply back. She latched on fine from that point with no issues. Truly a god send for sure. I came to terms with the formula...it is food after all and LOTS of babies only get formula. My best friend used formula for both of her babies and they are no worse or better than my kids.

    I really just wanted to let you know my situation with Chloe and my feelings were the same as yours. Really you just need to evaluate your situation and maybe go into formula as "temporary" thing. If you decide to go back and your supply has already went down you can take a supplement to boost it back up. It works. It was recommended in a LLL book I read.

    You are a wonderful mother of a very precious baby girl! She will love you know matter what you choose to do! Keeping you in my prayers and I hope we can get together soon.

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